Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

PUPIL: Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher:" Of course not."
Pupil: Good, because I haven’t done my homework.

A teacher asked a student to write 55.

Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Why are you late?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Customer in a restaurant:

Customer: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?

I was born in California

Afzal: I was born in California.
Ashfak: Which part?
Afzal: My whole body.

Look at your face!

Afzal: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
Peter: What was it?
Afzal: Eggs.
Peter: No, that was yesterday.

Why we love

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

Perfect son

Hafsa: I have the perfect son.
Afzal: Does he smoke?
Hafsa: No, he doesn't.
Afzal: Does he drink whiskey?
Hafsa: No, he doesn't.
Afzal: Does he ever come home late?
Hafsa: No, he doesn't.
Afzal: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Hafsa: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

First day at school

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

what is an idiot?

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Confused!

Afzal: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Hafsa: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Afzal: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
Hafsa: I'm not. I'm her mother.

On a crowded bus.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked. "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

The good news and the bad news.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Teacher and Student.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Today is my daughters 18th birthday.

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face." So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face.

Your Family Is So Poor!

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”

How He Made His Money!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last 5 cents."I invested that 5 cents in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy said."Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."